Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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3Percent
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

Post by 3Percent »

Element wrote:
3Percent wrote:IAmCalm. :P lol i apologize.

i shall put more work into the argument next time if needed.
i advise perhaps less trolling / useless replies then in return. >> http://www.disc-ff.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1983

Nice to meet you IAmJim hope to play with you sometime :)
have a good day. and hope the jokes, if read, were funny.

(iceworld, D2, office)
bipolar shit head. <3
^ you know me to well <3 I go from non stoned angry, to super high passiveness :P
people that annoy me get the best of me first time around....then i blaze one...
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Fun Facts

1. Money isn't made out of paper,it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle"

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (This is frightening).

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ...hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Useful info).

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true civilized society ... not.)

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
Last edited by 3Percent on Fri Nov 23, 2012 1:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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QUICK JOKE:
Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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JOKE
There were these two black guys sitting at a bar in a club, and a gay guy comes up and puts his arm around both of them and says "Who wants a blow job?"

Both of the black guys got up and beat the living shit out of him.

When they sat back down at the bar the bartender asks why did they beat him up."

One of the black guys said " I don't know, he said something about jobs"
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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DIVORCE LETTER:
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

Months go by, and the voice won't stop.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

Finally the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:

Go to a casino.

He goes to a casino.

Find the roulette table.

He finds the roulette table.

Put everything on 17 Black.

He puts everything on 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Red 36.

The voice in his head says: Fuck.
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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Code: Select all

A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. 

Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. 

When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.

One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. 

When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. 

Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.

By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.

"I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair."

His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, "BULLSHIT, you've been playing golf!"
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you."

And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you."

And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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Things to think about

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
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Re: Funny JOKE Thread - By 3Percent - Updated Often

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Q and A

Q: What has 8 wheels and flies?
A: A Garbage truck

Q: What do you call a blonde with more than one brain cell?
A: Pregnant with a black kid.

Q: Why don't blacks play hide and seek?
A: No one will look for them.

Q: Why are nigger jokes so short?
A: So honkies can remember them.

Q: What's the number one speed modifications that blacks perform on cars?
A: Taking the Pizza Hut sign off.

Q: What do you say to a well dressed black guy?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What's the longest black joke?
A: The civil rights movement.

Q: How many babies can you fit into a telephone booth?
A: 389

Q: Why aren't there any niggers in the NHL?
A: Too many honkies with sticks.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Q: Why are lawn sprinklers racist?
A: Because they go: "spic, spic, spic, spic, - chink - nigga, nigga,nigga,nigga,nigga,nigga

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last years hide and seek winner.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the worm?
A: She buried it alive.

Q: Why are blacks always holding their dicks?
A: It's the only thing the white man hasn't taken from him yet.
Last edited by 3Percent on Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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